Suzumiya Haruhi:Volume4 Prologue

From Baka-Tsuki

Prologue

It was a cold morning. So cold that it felt like the whole world would get neatly chipped up with some nice crisp cracks if it were poked with an ice pick. Or better yet, I would lead the pack to chip this freaking cold world up.

Nevertheless, it was just natural to be cold; it was winter now. Until the Cultural Festival about a month ago, it had been so terribly hot. Then, just as it turned December, the weather chilled rapidly as if Mother Nature finally remembered, and now I experienced with this body of mine a Japan that had no Autumn this year. Don't tell me that a certain somebody mixed up a business prosperity rebus with a spell... That Siberian cold air system should just as well change its course. There is no need for it to come down every year like that.

Had the Earth's revolution period gone crazy? Whilst I walked, giving sincere concern to Mother Nature's health, I heard "Yo, Kyon!"

A frivolous guy ran up to me to pat my shoulder in a helium-light manner. It was too much of a chore to stop my tracks, so I just turned my head towards him.

"Yo, Taniguchi," I replied, turned to face forward once again, and disdainfully gazed at the summit of the distant high hill. We commute up this slope every day, so why can't they go easy on us during physical education lessons? All the physical education teachers, like Okabe our class teacher, should be more concerned about the students who have to hike in order to commute every day. The teachers go by car, if I may point out.

"Why are you talking like an old coot? Stride with a brisk pace! This is great exercise! It warms you up, doesn't it? Here, look at me, I'm not even wearing a sweater. Summer is the worst, but this season is just great for me!"

It's fine to be so freaking high-spirited, but what’s your basis? Share some of that with me.

Taniguchi's never-closing mouth twisted into a smile.

"The term-end tests are over! Thanks to that, we're done learning for this year. Don't you think that's way more spectacular than what's coming soon?"

The term-end tests fell indiscriminately on all students in this school, and ended just as indiscriminately. The only difference, if anything, was probably the number scribbled on the graded answer papers that were returned to students.

I recalled Mom's expression when she started worrying about my impending cram school, and my mood sunk. When we enter eleventh grade next year, our class will be divided according to our preferred college. The arts course track or the science course track? Public college or private college? The choices made my head spin.

"Who cares about that?" Taniguchi laughed away. "There are more important things to worry about, you know. Do you know what today is?"

"December 17th," I replied. "What about it?"

"What a dumb response! You don't even remember the special day next week which will set your heart flying?"

"Oh I see." I realized the right answer now. "End-of-term ceremony. The winter break is definitely worth the wait."

However, Taniguchi shot a glance at me like a small animal encountering a wildfire. "You're not serious, are you? The date in one week! Think! The answer should pop up like that!"

"Hmm..."

I snorted and drew out a cloud of white breath.

December 24.

I knew, all right. I had already foreseen a certain somebody brewing an evil plot or hoax for next week. Even if everyone missed this, the truth never escaped my eyes. The person who spotted such events even quicker than me just sat there, behind me. She had been lamenting missing the chance at Halloween last month, and there was no doubt she would strike this time.

Well, to be honest, I already knew what exactly she was going to do.

Yesterday in the clubroom, Suzumiya Haruhi had in fact made the following announcement...

"Does anyone have plans for Christmas Eve?"

Haruhi, who threw her bag in as soon as she closed the door, looked at us contemptuously with sparkling eyes like the three stars of Orion.

The tone resounded with the unsaid implication, "You cannot possibly have any plans. I know this; that's crystal clear, right?" She would unleash a blizzard if anyone admitted to having prior plans.

At that moment, Koizumi and I were playing a TRPG. Asahina, wearing her maid costume as if it were gradually becoming her normal wear, held her hands up in front of the electric stove. Nagato was reading the latest science fiction hardcover, moving only her finger and eyes.

Haruhi placed a big handbag she brought along with her schoolbag on the floor, and walked towards me. Sticking her chest up, she looked down at me and proclaimed,

"Kyon, I know you don't have any plans whatsoever. There's no need to ask, but I’d feel bad if I didn't confirm it anyway, thus my question."

A smile like that of the world's most famous cat was drawn across her face. Giving the dice I was about to throw to Koizumi, who was smiling conspiratorially, I turned to face Haruhi.

"What if I do have plans? Answer that first."

"So that means you don't have any!"

Nodding self-indulgently, Haruhi took her eyes off me. Hey, stop for a moment! I still haven't answered your question! ...Well, it's not as if this was the only time I had no plans.

"Koizumi, are you going to be on a date with your girlfriend?"

"How pleasant it would be if that were the case!"

Shaking the die on his palm, Koizumi gave a dramatic sigh. It was in fact deliberate, and stank strongly of insincerity.

"Whether it should be considered fortune or misfortune, my schedule before and after Christmas is void and empty. I have been twisting and turning alone, worrying about how I should spend the time."

That smiling handsome face of his just spelled out LIAR. However, Haruhi drank in his story without a doubt.

"No worries! It's the greatest of all blessings!"

Then Haruhi set sail towards the maiden maid.

"Mikuru-chan, how about you? Did anybody invite you out 'to see the moment when rain turns to snow in the middle of the night?' By the way, if you find anybody telling you this load of crap with a straight face, just beat the crap out of him."

Staring at Haruhi with big, wide-open eyes, Asahina looked taken aback by this sudden cross-examination.

"Well, I guess so. For the moment there is nothing... Eh, middle of the night...? Ah... anyway, let me get you some tea..."

"Volcano hot, please! The herb tea from some time ago was really fabulous,"

Haruhi put down her order.

"Y--Yes! It won't take a minute."

Asahina put the kettle on the portable gas stove with a beaming face. Was making tea really that much fun?

Nodding along in satisfaction, Haruhi turned to Nagato at last.

"Yuki?"

"No."

Nagato gave a short reply without lifting her head up from the pages.

"There you go."

Ending the straightforward chirping conversation, Haruhi faced me again with an arrogant smile. I looked at Nagato's pale face, her full attention to the book as if the conversation had nothing to do with her, and thought to myself, she might as well save her breath on such witty repartee. At least take some time to pretend to remember your schedule!

Haruhi held up a hand.

"The motion for a SOS Brigade Christmas party is thus passed unanimously. If there are alternatives or objections, please hand them in after the party. If I need to read them, I'll read them."

In other words, it was the well-known situation once again: her words would not be taken back once they were said, no matter what. It was literally just a gesture, but when compared to half a year ago, Haruhi asking everyone's plans could be considered an improvement. Well, it'd even be better if she asked for everybody's opinions instead of their plans.

With a face brimming with satisfaction that everything went as expected, Haruhi stuck her hand into her handbag on the floor.

"By the way, nobody can come unprepared for a season like Christmas, right? So I bought a few items. The right way to spend the season starts with mood-creating gadgets!"

Out of the bag came spray-on snow, gold and silver lace, crackers, a miniature tree, reindeer plushies, white cotton, Christmas lights, wreathes, red-and-green banners, a tapestry of the Alps, wind-up snowmen, thick candle stands, huge Christmas stockings that could hold a kindergartener, CDs of Christmas songs...

With a smiling face like a neighborhood big sister that gives children candy, Haruhi neatly placed the various Christmas-related items on the table one by one.

"I will inject festivity into this nondescript room. The introductory step towards enjoying Christmas proactively and positively starts with appearance. Didn't you guys do the same thing when you were little?"

No matter whether I did do that or not, my sister's room would definitely be well decorated for Christmas some days later. Mom will probably force me to help decorate again this year. By the way, my sister, who's turning eleven and going into the fifth grade this year, seems to still believe in Santa Claus somehow. She's not aware of my parents' cover-up job, which I happened to figure out long ago at the beginning of my life.

"Learn from your sister's innocent heart! One must start by believing in a dream. Otherwise, even the attainable will be out of reach. Nobody wins the lottery without buying a ticket, you know. You might wish for someone to give you a winning lottery ticket worth a million dollars, but that won't happen!"

Haruhi, howling in delight with unparalleled skill, took out a triangular party hat and put it on her head.

"When in Rome, do as the Romans do. When in a village, follow the village rules. Christmas also has its own rules to follow. That's why there are not many people who would celebrate a birthday in a bad mood. Hey, even Mister Christ would definitely rejoice seeing us having fun!"

There have been many theories related to the birth of Christ, as even the year he was born is shrouded in mystery. But again, I'm not dumb enough to recite all the theories while being oblivious to the atmosphere. Moreover, on hearing that there's multiple suggested dates for the birth of Christ, Haruhi would certainly blurt out "Well, then make each one of them Christmas!" and we would end up bringing out the tree many times each year. It would only be a fuss if we overrule the beginning of A.D; there is no help for it. Whether it is the Roman calendar or the ancient Babylonian calendar, it is just means to suit human matters. For the heavenly bodies that silently revolve in the vast universe these matters are nothing to be concerned about, and they will continue doing their thing until the end of their lives. Oh, how wonderful the universe is!

My youthful spirit was tickled instinctively by the secrets of the Great Universe, but Haruhi didn't give a damn about my dreams. Like a panda enthusiastically improving a room's decor, Haruhi rolled around putting small Christmas decorations on all corners of the room, putting a triangular hat even on the reading Nagato, and hammering the words "Merry Xmas!" on the glass windows using her snow spray.

That's fine, but from the outside the words would be backwards, you know?

While Haruhi concentrated on her activities, Asahina-san toddled towards us like a nutcracker doll, carrying a plate of teacups.

"Suzumiya-saaaan, tea is ready."

Asahina-san's appearance, with her maid-style smile, was still heavenly today, sending fresh enrichment into my heart no matter how many times I looked. Even after meeting her tragic fate nearly every time Haruhi said something, Asahina-san seemed to be comfortable with the Christmas party this time. Compared to giving out flyers in a bunny suit or appearing in movies wearing sexually harassing costumes, it would be a much more refined fun to enjoy a party everyone in the Brigade could cuddle in.

But, will it really be just that?

"Thank you, Mikuru-chan."

Haruhi took the cup in high spirits, and stood there gulping down the herb tea. Asahina-san watched with an innocent smile.

Haruhi drank up all the hot liquid in a few seconds, and the smile on her face grew twice as wide as before.

A bad omen. That's the smile she has when she's thinking of something down-and-dirty. After a long time by her side, even I could spot it.

The problem was...

"Marvelous taste, Mikuru-chan. It cannot be called a gift of gratitude, but I'd like to give you your present a little early."

"Oh, really?"

The dainty maid fluttered her eyelids.

"It's true. So true, that there's no truth above it. It's as true as the moon revolving around the earth, and the earth revolving around the sun. You might not believe Galileo, but believe me!"

"Uh, y-y-yes."

Haruhi reached into her bag once again.

Detecting a sense and turning my head around, I met eye-to-eye with Koizumi, who gave a shrug and a faint forced smile. I'd like to snap on him for being so vague, but I somehow got it. He hadn't joined the Haruhi bunch for over half a year for nothing, and it'd be strange if he couldn't guess what would happen next.

Yes, I thought.

The problem was that there isn't a person or medicine in the world that can cure Haruhi's whims. I would grant the highest honors to whoever would invent that, personally.

"Da-daaan!"

With a childish sound effect, Haruhi took out the last Christmas item from the bottom of the bag. And that was...

"That... that is..."

Asahina-san retreated reflexively, and Haruhi proclaimed with the expression of an aged mage passing her beloved staff to her disciple.

"Santa, that's it! Santa! Doesn't that fit like a glove! It goes without saying; you can't highlight this time of the year without a season-specific outfit! There you go! I'll help you change."

Closing gradually in on the retreating Asahina-san, Haruhi unfolded in her hands -- a Santa Claus costume, no doubt.

Then, Koizumi and I were thrown out of the clubroom, and could only imagine Haruhi conducting Asahina-san's costume-changing scene in vain.

"Eh" "Ah" "Ughh" The mournful faint cries bombarded me with unwanted images, and made me imagine that I could somehow see through the door. Okay, the time had probably come for me to really go nuts as well.

After quite a stretch of time immersing himself in the imaginary tale, Koizumi struck up a conversation, perhaps to kill time. "I feel sorry for Asahina-san."

The guy with too much good looks and good manners leaned against the wall with his hands folded.

"It makes my heart at ease when I see Suzumiya-san enjoying herself. It pains me most when Suzumiya-san looks annoyed."

"Because a strange space is created whenever she is irritated?"

Throwing his bangs up using one index finger, he replied,

"Yes, because of that as well. Nothing scares me and my partners more than the existence of Sealed Realities and Avatars. It might look easy to deal with, but it really is hard work. I thank my lucky stars that since this spring, the frequency of occurrences has gradually been decreasing."

"Which means it still happens from time to time?"

"Rarely. Recently it only happens from midnight to sunrise, when Suzumiya-san is asleep. Most likely when she has bad dreams, she creates Sealed Realities subconsciously."

"She's a troublemaker, whether she's asleep or awake!"

"Not at all!"

It was a sharp snap for Koizumi, and I was honestly a little shocked. Koizumi put away his smile, and gave me a long hard look.

"I guess you do not know what Suzumiya-san was like before she entered high school. From three years ago when we started our observation to the time she entered high school, it was unimaginable that she would laugh so happily every day. It all started when she met you -- no, to be exact, when you two returned from the Sealed Reality. Suzumiya-san's psyche has stabilized a lot, it's incomparable to how it was in junior high."

I returned Koizumi's stare without a word, as if I'd be defeated if my eyes wandered off.

"Suzumiya-san is obviously changing. In a good direction, I might add. Our desire is to keep this situation going, and I believe the same goes for you. To her now, the SOS Brigade is an indispensable gathering. Here she can find you, she can find Asahina-san, Nagato-san is essential, and pardon my conceit, but I guess I am also. All of us nearly became one heart and one flesh."

Now that's just your logic.

"That's true. However, it doesn't sound bad, does it? Do you want to see Haruhi setting her Avatars loose hour by hour? Excuse me, but it is certainly not a good hobby."

That's not my hobby, and I won't consider turning it into one. I need to state this clearly!

Koizumi flipped his expressions, returning to his usual ambiguous smile.

"I am relieved to hear that. Speaking of changes, they are not limited to Suzumiya; we all are changing. That includes you, Asahina-san, and me. Perhaps Nagato-san as well. Besides Suzumiya, everybody will more or less change their way of thinking."

I backed away. Not because I got hit on the spot. I didn't take any of it personally, so I did not get hit figuratively. What I found surprising was that this guy had also noticed Nagato changing, bit by bit. The cheating baseball game, the Tanabata that spanned three years, the cave cricket eradication, the murder drama on the isolated island, the looping summer break... As we were buzzing around doing this and that, Nagato's limited gestures and attitudes had tiny, but definite changes. A far cry from our first meeting at the Literature Club, which was the beginning of everything. It was no illusion. I observed with eyes like hand-made telescopes. Now that I thought about it, that girl had already seemed a little strange, even on the isolated island. Even at the public pool. Even at the Obon Festival Dance. She showed even stranger behaviors when she was forced into the role of a mage for the movie, and the computer game battle against the Computer Society...

But, isn't that good? Haruhi's changes are great, but I think Nagato's are more important!

"For the sake of world peace," Koizumi said with a smile, "organizing a Christmas party is a cheap price to pay. Furthermore, if it turns out to be fun, I find no reason to complain!"

Just as I became somehow offended that I could not find a line to retort, the door sprang open suddenly.

"There you go!"

The door opened inwards, and naturally I, putting my weight against the door, fell clumsily on my back with a loud thud.

"Hiehh!?"

The voice was neither mine nor Haruhi's, but Asahina-san's, and the voice came from above. In other words, lying on my back looking towards the ceiling, I saw not the ceiling but something else.

"Hey, Kyon! Don't peep!" That'd be Haruhi.

"Hwa, ahh..." And that'd be Asahina-san, who was completely off guard as she cried and jumped backwards. I swear to the myriad of deities, I only saw her legs!

"What are you lying there waiting for? Get the hell up!"

Grabbed by the collar by Haruhi, I eventually managed to stand up.

"You peeping Kyon! Trying to peep on Mikuru-chan's underwear? You are two-million-five-thousand-six-hundred years behind! That was deliberate, right? RIGHT!?"

It was your fault, opening the door without giving a signal. It was an accident. An accident, Asahina-san! -- The words were on my lips, but then my eyes were drawn elsewhere. Who is asking what again?

"Wawa..."

There was nothing in my eyes but Asahina-san, standing with a brush of pink on her cheeks.

Red clothing with white lining. A red hat with a fluffy ball at the end... wearing only those, Asahina-san grabbed her short skirt with both hands, and looked intently at me with curiously teary eyes filled with embarrassment.

That had to be Santa, perfect from all angles, impeccable and without fault. That had to be Asahina-san's true identity at that moment -- the granddaughter of a senile Santa who had secretly transferred the family estate to her.

Upon being told this, 80% of people would fall for it. My sister would definitely be one of the 80%. No doubt.

"Just fantastic." It was Koizumi expressing his opinions. "My apologies, but I could only come up with hackneyed expressions. Yes, it suits you very well. Definitely."

"I knew it!"

Haruhi cuddled on Asahina-san's shoulders, and rubbed her cheeks against the eye-rolling Asahina-san's face.

"Isn't she super adorably cute? Mikuru-chan, be more confident in yourself! From now until the Christmas Party, you will be the SOS Brigade's Santa Claus! You have all the qualifications for this!"

Asahina-san panted pitifully. However, this time Haruhi was correct. Nobody would refute that, I thought to myself. As I turned to Nagato, unsurprisingly, the petite, short-haired, silent girl just continued her reading.

She was still wearing her triangular hat.

After that, Haruhi lined us up in a row, and stood in front.

"Understood? In these times, it's not okay to absent-mindedly follow any Santa you see on the street. They're fakes. The real one only exists in special places on the earth. Mikuru-chan, you need to be extra careful! Don't get stuff easily from a Santa you don't know. Don't nod to whatever they say."

Not good advice, after you coerced Asahina-san into being a fake Santa.

Don't tell me that this girl, despite her age, and like my sister, still believes in that elderly fellow who's in the business of international volunteering. Well, it is the same girl who hung wish messages to Orihime and Hikoboshi, so it's not impossible. However, I just kept my doubts to myself. I mean, hey, Saint Asahina had revealed herself in this room! There it was, a fake that surpassed the real thing. What more could you wish for? If one wished for anything more, complaints would come from any of the three Scandinavian countries.

I was pondering on the source of capital within the shadow of this sluggish old man working only once a year.

"Hey, Kyon. The idea of having a grand Christmas party is good in itself. This year the idea came too late, so it can only be for Christ's birthday. But next year we have to include birthday parties for the Buddha and Mohammad. It wouldn't be fair otherwise!"

Why not throw in the birthdays for founders of Manichaeism and Zoroastrianism? Watching this bunch of unbelieving lads celebrating, these figures, who should be above the clouds by now, can do nothing but force a laugh. Well, Haruhi wasn't doing all this to celebrate anyway; she just wanted an excuse to make a fuss, so I guess it evens out. However, if someone is going to receive divine punishment, please place the blame solely upon Haruhi. My role as her accomplice was really small, you know.

In that situation, to which deity should I make my excuse? I was pondering this as Haruhi settled in the Brigade leader's seat and gave me a scornful glance.

"What would be nice? Hotpot? Sukiyaki? Crab is a no-no. I can't take it. Picking the flesh out of the shell drives me nuts. Why can't crabs make their shells edible? How come they didn't do anything about that during the course of evolution, might I ask?"

That's exactly why they evolved shells! They don't undergo natural selection in the depths of the sea just for the sake of your stomach!

Koizumi raised his hand and spoke up.

"Then we must book a place in advance. The holiday is approaching, and everywhere will be fully booked if we don't hurry."

Well I just don't think I'm inclined to go to places he recommends. Maybe the nuthead shop owner will pop up in the middle of dinner and stage another murder comedy beyond everyone's wildest expectations.

"Oh, no need to worry about that."

As if she had the same impression that I did, Haruhi shook her head with a smiling face. But this was what she said next:

"I'm having it here. The necessary hardware is already here. The only thing left is the food. Let's see... Better bring a rice cooker. By the way, alcohol is strictly prohibited, since I have vowed in my heart that, for my whole life, I will not drink."

I'd rather have you vow something else... But another point came first that could not be dismissed without consideration. "Having it here?" I looked around the room.

The room already had a pot and a portable stove ready, and there was even a fridge here. Haruhi brought everything in during the dawn of the SOS Brigade, but don't tell me that they were all for the sake of this day! Till now, the portable stove had been useful in helping Asahina-san serve real tea. But at school, and in such an old and shabby clubroom block, was it really a good idea to cook in the first place? It isn't wise to ignore this. An open flame is prohibited in this building!

"It'll be fine."

Undeterred, Haruhi beamed like a culinary prodigy who somehow had solid skills without even a cooking license.

"In this case, it's more fun to hide. If the student council or one the teachers bust in, I'll show them my spectacular hotpot preparation. This is the plan: wait till then, and they will be so overwhelmed by the delicacy that they will tearfully grant special approval for our party! Flawless! Perfect!"

Though being scornful to anything bothersome, Haruhi could do anything well if she had to do it. So I guessed her cooking expertise definitely lived up to her words. But a hotpot? When had it been decided? The conversation had went up to the point when crab was decided to be no good, but she pretended to collect opinions and then suddenly reached the conclusion herself -- well it's not as if this was the first time. Forgive, and forget...

And so, that's what happened yesterday. As I told Taniguchi a short version of this, we arrived at our school.

"Christmas Party..."

When we passed through the school gate, Taniguchi was still having trouble hiding his laughter.

"Those are definitely Suzumiya's trademark actions. A hotpot party in the clubroom. Well, make sure that the teachers don't find out! It'd turn into trouble again if they did."

"Are you coming, then?"

Due to what we had discussed earlier, I tried to invite him. If it were Taniguchi, even Haruhi probably wouldn't mind. He, Kunikida and Tsuruya-san had become the Filler Trio whenever we had a problem finding people.

However, Taniguchi shook his head.

"I am so sorry, Kyon. That day, I have no spare time for messing around eating some dumb hotpot! Wuahaha"

What on earth is that disgusting laugh about?

"Listen: gathering a group of strange pals and poking into a hotpot in a Christmas Party is only for unpopular geeks. I am very sorry, but I have bid my farewell to the group."

Are you for real?

"Well, think of me as exactly the one beyond your imagination. I have already crafted a red heart mark on the 24th of my schedule! My apologies. My HEARTFELT apologies. I am SO, SOO SOOOORRY!"

What the hell is going on? How come that dumbass Taniguchi can land himself a girlfriend, while I'm playing mysterious games with Haruhi and the others in the SOS Brigade?

"Who is she?"

I asked, trying as hard as I could to not sound cynical.

"A tenth grader from Kouyouen. A safe bet isn't it?"

Kouyouen Academy. The all-girls high school next to the station down the hill. It is located exactly at the starting point of our excruciating hike, so it is a common morning scene to see the Daimyo's Parade of girls wearing black blazers as their uniform. The school is famous for its classy ladies, but even more enviable is that they do not need to walk the murderous slope. No, I wasn't jealous of Taniguchi at all.

"What's the problem? You have Haruhi already! Hotpot... And she's making it, right? Hotpot as a self-made cuisine does sound a little dumb and cheap to me, but I'm sure it'll fill you up. I'm jealous, Kyon!"

That bastard. He brought up Christmas Eve just to satisfy his desire to show off?

"Hmm, I guess it is about time to decide on some initial plans for where and how to spend the time. I am so troubled!"

I was losing my spirit, and my words.

After school, nothing special happened. Koizumi and I were chased around the clubroom putting up the new decorations Haruhi had brought. Haruhi gave commands and pointed around with her finger. Asahina-san, clad in a Santa outfit, was mascot-cum-tea-server. And today, Nagato was reading a hardcover book... while, once again, wearing the triangular hat on her head.

Then came the end of the day. The hotpot's contents were still undecided. The only decision in the meantime was that I would be assigned as the carrier and sent outside for shopping. What on earth would that hotpot be? I'd rather not have a potluck, with its smell of sinister schemes.

This is too long for a prologue. However, the above really is just a prologue, nothing else. The real action comes from this point onwards, starting the next day. It might have started tonight, but it doesn't really matter.

The next day was December 18, when even the mountain breezes were frozen. That day, I was thrown into the abyss of fear.

Let me say this in advance: it was no laughing matter.

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