Suzumiya Haruhi:Volume6 Asahina Mikuru's Adventure Episode 00

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And so, my first school festival in high school has ended frantically together with the seasonal change, yet the lively atmosphere of the festival still echoed inside Haruhi's mind, and behind that echo were all sorts of promotional posters that read, "Book your pre-order tickets now", "This movie will rock Hollywood (very soon)", "One year to conceive, and (less than) one month to complete shooting".

Anyway, she was already in the process of making the second movie, scheduled to be shown at the next school festival. There's a limit for impatience, you know.

She should consider my feelings as well. I just barely managed to carry all those heavy equipment to their destination, and was about to finally go home and get some rest, and yet there were even more goods for me to carry. Right now I feel like escorting a female protagonist home on a path full of predators, always having to worry when a Bengal tiger would strike at us. This is all thanks to the movie which was shown not long ago, as it was simply too overwhelming.

As for how overwhelming it was, you'll just have to read on......

Asahina Mikuru's Adventure Episode 00

Her name is Asahina Mikuru. At first glance, she seems like a normal, healthy and cute young girl, yet she is really a time traveler from the future. If you happen to know someone called "Asahina Mikuru" somewhere else, that's simply a coincidence, just wanted to let you know.

Anyway, Asahina Mikuru's true identity is a battle waitress from the future. Why does the waitress have to come from the future? And why did she have to dress up as a waitress? Asking such insignificant questions is meaningless, all I can say is, that's how the story is set. In fact, not a single character here has a valid raison d'etre.

......This is all decided by someone from somewhere high up above.

For now, let us secretly observe this Asahina Mikuru.

Normally she would dress up as a bunny girl, since this happens to be part of Mikuru's daily life, which involves attracting customers to visit the local shopping street. Every night, she would change into her bunny girl costume, and carry a large plastic placard in front of the stores and advertise for them with her shy voice. In other words, this is what normal people would call a job.

As she came all the way from the future, she ought to be able to make money more efficiently, but since this story is created without any consideration for those matters, I might as well let everyone know about this before you get your hopes up too early.

This means that this battle waitress from the future would normally dress up as a bunny girl.

Before anyone asks if there's a meaning in dressing like that, I'd also like to inform you that you'll probably never find out the answer till the end. In other words, it is meaningless. Even if there is a meaning, it is most likely the mystery would never be solved. If it can't be solved, it's pretty much meaningless as well. It makes no difference whatsoever.

Today Asahina Mikuru was again dressed in her hot bunny girl costume and waving a plastic placard in front of the stores, and helping the owners make ends meet.

"Everyone please stop by! We have new supplies of fresh cabbage for today! And there's a limited sale! For the next hour, each cabbage will be at half price! The lady over there, don't delay!"

Mikuru can be seen shouting with a stiff voice while standing in front of the grocery. The bunny ears on her head aren't the only things swinging from her tiny figure, but something else on her body. Most of the grocery customers are middle-aged housewives, so no one was sure how getting a cute girl to advertise can be effective. Yet the sight of Mikuru sincerely working hard to advertise has already moved thousands of hearts, and everyone who passes by the grocery would smile pleasantly, and naturally they wouldn't mind parting with their money.

"Mikuru-chan, you're energetic today as well,"

This deadpan dialogue was read out by a bystander, as Mikuru revealed her bright red sunflower smile,

"Thank you! I'll do my best!"

The cosplay girl who worked too hard replied and continued to spread her innocent charm at the shopping street.

She has the magical ability to alter a customer's menu for tonight's dinner from a simple cabbage into a vegetable hot pot! This is coupled with this amazing sentence,

"Hurry up and get them while stocks last!"

The grocery immediately became packed with people. In a short while, all the discounted cabbages were sold.

Mikuru was then summoned by the grocery owner, Morimuri Kiyosumi-san (age 46), who gave her an envelope with her salary in it,

"You've always come to help us out. This isn't much, but please take it,"

Mikuru received the envelope from Morimura-san's hands, which were weathered by many years of blood and sweat, and said,

"Don't mention it. You're being too generous, I'm always being looked after by you, since this is all that I can do......"

Mikuru bowed and thanked him, she's a very humble girl ever since the beginning. She stuffed the envelope into her very low d├ęcolletage and said,

"I've got to help out the butcher's next, so please excuse me. See you later!"

Mikuru carried her plastic placard and ran along the shopping street. She has now become the irreplaceable mascot of this shopping street and is very popular with the residents here.

Best of luck, Mikuru. Pull back all the customers who have been snatched away by the Wal-Mart a few blocks away since it opened last year. The fate of the local community and the small personal shops all rest on your shoulders.

......One is tempted to recite the above paragraph when looking at her back.

However, Mikuru didn't travel back in time from the future in order to rescue a local shopping street in decline. Her bunny girl appearance was simply a cover identity, because remember, she's a battle waitress. Actually there's not much difference whether she's dressed as a bunny girl or as a waitress, but that's how the story is set.

This is because the story is the product of someone's instantaneous random thoughts, and as a result, the plot lacks any planning whatsoever.

So, Mikuru's real purpose, her true mission, was to secretly protect a young man.

This young man is called Koizumi Itsuki. At first glance he looks like a high school student you would find anywhere, but he is actually an esper. If you happen to bump into someone who is also called "Koizumi Itsuki," I'm sure everyone would have guessed by now without me explaining, that this is just a coincidence.

Even though he's an esper, Koizumi Itsuki wasn't aware of this himself. It was only by chance that the supernatural powers hidden within him were awakened. Just to be safe, he is currently living the life of a high school student, a life that from a subjective and objective perspective can be defined as normal.

Today, Koizumi Itsuki carried his bag and the usual casual smile on his face as he walked home from school. He would always pass through this shopping street every day on the way to and from school.


Itsuki was secretly being observed by someone standing in the shadows. From this person's long bunny ears and near-naked costume, it is not hard to guess that this is none other than Mikuru. Normally one wouldn't wear such clothes that would stand out when stalking, but as this was her regular attire, she didn't have much choice.


Mikuru sighed deeply. She seems to be relieved that Itsuki seems to be safe for now. She also resembles a kouhai sighing at herself for not having the courage to say hi to the sempai she admires. Just thinking about this is enough to piss me off, so I decided to ignore the latter possibility.

After seeing Itsuki walk away, Mikuru used a felt-tip pen and wrote on her plastic placard, "100 grams of brisket for only 98 yen (with heart-shaped symbols and cute cow illustrations.)" She then looked a bit dejected as she walked in the opposite direction away from Itsuki.

After nodding her head to everyone's greetings along the way, Mikuru arrived in front of the dimly lit stationery store. The owner of this store, Suzuki Yuusuke-san (age 65), is the president of this shopping district council, he is also the person who provided Mikuru with her current lodgings.

"Welcome back, Mikuru-chan. Was the work hard today?"

Suzuki-san spoke in a formal tone as he smiled gently like a kind grandfather while greeting Mikuru.

"Um...... Not at all. There were a lot of customers today...... Um, it's prosperous, I think that's how you would describe it."

"Good, very good."

After nodding and thanking Suzuki-san, Mikuru walked up the slightly steep stairs. Passing a narrow corridor, she entered a small Japanese-style bedroom, Mikuru's current lodging in this time period.

As Suzuki-san himself lived elsewhere, this room was originally unoccupied, I'm not too sure about the details; but anyway, this is where the time-traveler Mikuru currently lives.

After closing the door, Mikuru began to slowly take off her bunny girl costume. Sadly, this very seductive scene was cut. The next scene shows her crawling into her bed, wearing a very loose T-shirt, and that was the end of that scene.

On the other hand, there was someone else observing Koizumi Itsuki with what can only be described as thoughtful eyes.

That person is Nagato Yuki. While she looks like an extraordinary and exceptional girl, in reality she is an evil alien magician. This can be figured out by the odd costume she's wearing, a wide-rimmed pointy hat with a large cape over her shoulders. By the way, if you happen to know someone called "Nagato Yuki," that's just a coincidence...... I'm sure you're all sick and tired of hearing that already.


Carrying a poker face without any emotions in it, Yuki stood on the roof of a high school building. This high school is the one Itsuki attends, and judging from the scene, this Yuki seems to be planning something for Itsuki; yet judging from the time this scene was shot, Itsuki has already gone home. In other words, Yuki is standing on the school's rooftop when Itsuki is no longer at school. Now that's a very awkward cut-in scene.

A while ago in the shopping district, one could tell it was near sunset, yet right now the sun was above Yuki's head, and the rays are now much stronger. No matter how one tries to hide it, it's not hard to figure out that this scene was filmed during lunch break. This shows how much of a headache the director gives to the editing team when she disregards the continuity of the scenes.

This also applies to all the upcoming scenes as well.

As we're running short on time, we now skip to the first battle between Mikuru and Yuki without any explanation whatsoever.

For some reason the battle takes place at the forest park. After a meaningless scene of Mikuru running through among the flying pigeons, we now come straight to this battle.

Right now she's no longer wearing her bunny girl costume, but rather her waitress costume,the mini-skirt of which is simply too short. Mikuru, whose charm increased tenfold by tying her hair into two ponytails, now carries a rather heavy automatic pistol. In a way, she revealed a sad expression like that of a martyr who is prepared to sacrifice her life. This expression wasn't made under the director's instructions, but was in fact showing the lead actress's genuine feelings.

On the other hand, Nagato Yuki, cloaked all in black, seemed oblivious to what was going on. She simply stood there and held a magic wand with a star in her hand.

The two girls now stared back and forth at each other in what is supposed to be a face-off. Mikuru doesn't seem comfortable with this, perhaps thinking that she wouldn't stand a chance in such a battle?


Mikuru shut her eyes tight and waved her gun blindly as she pulled the trigger. The bullets now flew out of the gun and towards Yuki's direction. Yet most of them didn't even hit their intended target, and whizzed past Yuki. One could count the number of bullets reached to the target with all five fingers.

Obviously Yuki was not going to stand there and become a bullseye, she slowly waved her "Star Ring Inferno," her ridiculously-named wand, and swiftly swept the bullets onto the ground.


Very quickly, all the bullets have been fired. Silence fell once again on the battlefield,

"V, very well! I'll just have to use my secret attack! Take this......"

It seems rather early to be using her secret attack already. We now see Mikuru yell cutely as she threw away her gun and widened her beautiful eyes.

Her blue left eye was widely opened as she placed a V-shape finger gesture over her face,

"Mi, Mi, Mikuru Beam!"

One yell and one blink later, a deadly laser would be fired from that eye of hers. The fatal laser would travel at the speed of light and slice through everything that it touches - that's supposed to be the case, but someone wasn't going to allow Mikuru to succeed.

That person was none other than Nagato Yuki.

Without any special effects used during filming, Yuki had moved instantaneously, and blocked the Mikuru Beam with her right hand. Before the laser could even make a hissing slicing sound, Yuki had already arrived in front of Mikuru.


Mikuru was startled at the shadow suddenly looming quickly towards her. Yuki moved in such speed that the sight of her figure has become blurry. She easily grabbed hold of Mikuru's face and pressed her to the ground,

"Ah...... Na, Nagato-san......!"

The black cloaked Nagato was now sitting on a terrified waitress.

What will happen from now on? What fate awaits Mikuru? And when will Itsuki be able make his appearance by chance?

All these questions will be answered eventually after these messages for Oomori Electronics, announced by none other than our two female protagonists.


All these questions will be answered eventually after these messages by Oomori Electronics, announced by none other than our two female protagonists.
All these questions will be answered eventually after these messages by Oomori Electronics, announced by none other than our two female protagonists.

Welcome back, the movie now resumes with Mikuru the waitress walking aimlessly along the street.

"I can't believe the Mikuru Beam didn't work at all...... I must think of something else,"

Mikuru talked to herself as she walked along the shopping street. Looking tired, she dragged herself back to the stationery store and into her room, which doesn't even have a single decent piece of furniture in sight, and began to change again. After all, she isn't a Power Ranger; she would have to take off the clothes she's wearing if she is to transform.

When the door reopened, Mikuru once again reappeared in her bunny girl costume, then walked down the stairs looking depressed.

Looks like she still has to work today, regardless of the outcome of the battle. I wonder if she's serious or dense, or just really passionate about her work? The protagonist of this movie is sure going through a lot of tough times, which is kind of similar to Mikuru's own experience when she made this movie.

At this moment, Koizumi Itsuki, as usual, was walking along the road with a thoughtful expression on his face.

Ahead of him stood the mysterious dark-cloaked figure - Nagato Yuki. This time a cat can be seen sticking out his paws and clinging to Yuki's shoulder. It looks as though the cat is trying to keep his balance more so than Yuki. As Yuki was already good at concealing her presence, it came very suddenly when she appeared and blocked Itsuki's path.

Making a startled expression, Itsuki stopped in front of the magician with a cat.

"Who art thou?"

Any simple line was far better than this, but that's what was written on the script, so there was no other choice.

"I am......"

Yuki paused for a moment, then said,

"A magic-wielding alien."

Itsuki stared at the cat and responded,

"Is that so?"


Yuki also stared at the cat.

"So how may I help you?"

"You have a hidden power that I want."

"And what if I refuse your request?"

"I must obtain it, even if it means using extreme means."

"What do you mean by extreme means?"

"Like this."

Yuki waved her "Star Ring Inferno," from which the star-shaped symbol fired a piercing laser as fast as lightning.

"Look out!"

A bunny girl leapt out from the side and grabbed hold of Itsuki, and then they both fell towards the ground. The lightning-fast beam missed its target and disappeared after hitting the electric post.

The sight of Mikuru's slim figure being hugged is enough to infuriate. For some reason, Yuki did not continue her attack.

Mikuru was now seeing stars as she smacked her head when falling to the ground. Only when Itsuki shook her shoulders did she wave the stars away.


Rubbing her head, Mikuru stood up, then defiantly pointed towards Yuki and said,

"I won't let you have your way......"

Yuki looked straight at Mikuru, then glanced expressionlessly towards the whiskers of the cat sitting on her shoulder, and then returned her gaze towards Mikuru again and said,

"I will retreat for now. You won't be so lucky next time. Before then, try to think of what to write on your tombstone, for I will show no mercy next time, and will definitely annihilate you."

I don't understand why she wants to give Mikuru some breathing space. Anyway, after saying that, Yuki's tiny figure slowly walked away.

Itsuki now spoke,

"May I ask who are you?"


Mikuru, who just managed to breath a sigh of relief, now looked tense again,

"Ah, um...... I'm just a bunny girl passing by! That's all! G, good bye!"

She then ran away as though running after Yuki.

"Just who is she......"

Itsuki looked pointlessly far off into the distance, and the camera also panned up pointlessly towards the white clouds which signals the end of this scene.

The second battle between Mikuru and Yuki takes place by a pond.

As you all know by now, there is no explanation for how we have come to this battle already. You can use your own imagination to figure out that a lot must have happened...... I think.

"I'm not going to back away because of this! Y, you evil alien Yuki. Hurry up and leave Earth......! You...... Um....."

"You are the one that should disappear from this time period. He is ours. That is how valuable he is. Though he has yet to discover that he possesses such precious powers. We will need his powers in order to invade Earth."

"I, I, I won't let you have your way, even if it means losing my life."

"In that case, die!"

This time Yuki didn't bring her cat, but instead brought three people who seem to be high school students. Of these three people, there was an energetic girl and two confused-looking young men.

It seems that the long-haired girl is an acquaintance of Mikuru's.

"Ah, ah, Tsuruya-san...... E, even you have...... Please come to your senses!"

"Mikuru, you have no right to ask me to come to my senses dressed like that!"

This "Tsuruya-san" showed her true self for an instant and intentionally twitched her mouth,

"Mikuru, I'm sorry. I don't want to do this, but I can't control myself. I'm really sorry."


"Come, Mikuru, prepare to die~"

Tsuruya-san, whose acting was superb, now slowly approached Mikuru with the other two people.

Yuki stayed behind and commanded the situation by waving her wand. Some sort of unknown psychic waves must have been emitted from that magic wand of hers, turning Tsuruya-san and the other two into Nagato's personal zombies.

The terrifying Yuki has actually using such a devious method so that there's no way for Mikuru to fight back. What will Mikuru do?

"Waaaaaa, waaaaa~!"

Looks like there was nothing she can do.

Poor Mikuru now has her arms and legs carried by Tsuruya-san and the other two, who then toss her into the green murky pond. Somehow, one of the two male zombies, the goofy looking one, also fell into the pond as well. Don't worry about him, he'll climb out by himself anyway.

"Ah, help...... Waa......!"

The pond looked very deep indeed. Mikuru was now in a state of panic, and was beating the water frantically, which also meant she was hardly moving away from her spot at all. At this rate she will sink to the bottom of the pond and become food for the fish. Mikuru couldn't swim...... Or rather the story says she couldn't swim, so all she could do was splash frantically on the water, creating lots of white foam. Mikuru is now in great danger.

On the other hand, this is also a great opportunity to give the female protagonist a helping hand.

"You okay?"

Coming in calmly was Koizumi Itsuki. He knelt down by the pond side, and like a main character from a comic book, reached his hand out to Mikuru who was close to drowning.

"Hold my hand tightly. Calm down. Make sure you don't pull me in as well."

Here comes the question. Just where on Earth did Itsuki come from? The pond has few places to hide nearby. Judging by how long it takes for him to reach Mikuru after she fell in, he must have been watching all this from the sidelines. What's even more incredible was that Yuki, who up till now was still waving her wand, had now vanished without a trace along with her three henchmen. This was a great chance to finish off Mikuru. Just where the hell did they all go?

"......Brr...... Cold......"

After being rescued by Itsuki, Mikuru coughed non-stop and crawled onto shore slowly.

"What are you doing in a place like this?"

Itsuki asked, but Mikuru didn't answer. She only stared blankly at him, and then after a while she finally spoke,

"What was I doing? ......Well...... I got thrown into the pond by some bad people...... Ugh......"

At this moment, a sound came from afar, followed by Mikuru moaning and fainting at once. Yup, according to the script, she's supposed to faint by now.

"Hey, are you all right?"

Lying on Itsuki's shoulder, Mikuru's figure slowly slumped to the ground.

Usually, when guys like Itsuki face such a situation, they would usually call an ambulance or call someone nearby for help. Yet Itsuki went against convention and picked up Mikuru. You bastard! Just where do you think you're taking an unconscious cute girl to? Even if you tried to scream at him like that, Itsuki still slowly walked away looking determined.

So determined, as though he was being controlled by psychic waves, he carried Mikuru away from the scene.

He then took her to a place.

That place is none other than where he lives.

The director may have omitted a lot of detailed filming, but it's not hard to guess that Itsuki's house must be very enormous, which can be observed from him carrying Mikuru into his very spacious Japanese-style room.

Besides the fact that Itsuki has committed the unspeakable sin of carrying Mikuru in his arms, another thing of note is that Mikuru seems to have just taken a bath and is now looking very captivating.

Yet it's very hard to imagine how an unconscious person can take a bath all by herself. This also means that besides having her body molested by the hands of this grinning hypocrite, there's no guarantee that nothing else has happened to her. Before these questions even have a chance of getting processed by the brain, one would already be consumed by wrath, which would in turn manifest itself into a murderous intent. Kind of like how I'm feeling right now.

Instead of being concerned about being ambushed by Yuki, Itsuki ought to worry more about how half the school is going to go after his life.

It's already criminal enough to bring a girl, who has been stunned senseless after nearly drowning, to his own room while she's still unconscious. To give her a bath would be beyond criminal, it would be a crime of the most primitive nature. The person who did this...... No, the bastard Itsuki who did such a despicable act ought to be sliced into many pieces alive, and his family would get no compensation for that either. It's his fault for actually doing what every guy in the school wants to do instead.

Itsuki now placed Mikuru on a mattress which wasn't there before, and then knelt beside her. He crossed his arms and went into deep thought. Wanna bet? I bet that his mind is probably very empty right now.

Itsuki now placed Mikuru on a mattress which wasn't there before, and then knelt beside her.
Itsuki now placed Mikuru on a mattress which wasn't there before, and then knelt beside her.

Seeing how he has obediently followed orders from afar, he now moved closer to Mikuru's face. If he dares move one centimeter closer, then someone who isn't supposed to appear in the movie would break the fourth wall and beat the crap out of Koizumi...... I mean the guy who plays Itsuki. Fortunately, he was stopped by someone whose appearance in this scene isn't that surprising.

"Hold it,"

Sticking her head in the window, and looking like a grim-reaper girl in training, is none other than Nagato Yuki. I forgot to mention this is the second floor so no one knows where she was standing by before she entered this scene, and please do try to continue and suspend your disbelief.

Yuki, who would be more appropriately called an angel in funeral garb than a grim reaper, lept through the window and quickly stood up again.

"Koizumi Itsuki, you shouldn't choose her. Only by joining with me can you fulfill your power's potential,"

Yuki said plainly while staring at Itsuki with her dark eyes which remain calm for 24 hours a day.

Itsuki's acting is honestly crap. He didn't look panicked at all when he found out that Yuki had appeared suddenly through the window. When it was his turn to speak -

"Huh? What do you mean?"

Only then did he raise the pitch of his voice and make a serious face.

"I cannot explain right now, but one day you will understand. You have two choices: You can choose me and advance this universe towards its true form, or choose her and pluck out the possibilities of the future."

If I remember correctly, 30% of this line by Yuki was made up on the spot. Is that sentence directed to Itsuki's real identity?

As for the true meaning of Nagato's...... Sorry, Yuki's words, we'll leave that till later. Itsuki now looked troubled and went into contemplation,

"I see. No matter which path he chooses...... No wait, right now that would be me in this scene. The key is with me, right? Come to think of it, there's not much a key can do besides opening the door. If that door opens, something would happen, right? I'm afraid if something does happen......"

Itsuki paused for a while, and for some reason he looked at the camera with very thoughtful eyes. Just who the hell is he speaking to?

"I understand now, Yuki-san. Right now I don't have the right to decide yet. It's still too early to come to any conclusions now. Can we leave this decision till later? We still need time to think about it. Of course if you're willing to tell us everything, then that's a different story."

"It won't be far off before we do that, but I am certain it is not now. We are used to viewing insufficient data as defects. We will not make any move if we are not absolutely sure of it."

Such an enigmatic conversation. There seems to be a bond of understanding between Itsuki and Yuki which no one else can comprehend.

Yuki nodded slowly, then looked at the pink faced Mikuru sleeping soundly. She then climbed out of the window and disappeared at once. She didn't exactly jump off from the second floor. She merely lept onto the balcony. It's just that it can't be seen from the camera.

Itsuki once again reverted to his thoughtful expression and continued to look at the sleeping Mikuru.

When Mikuru wakes up and realizes her current situation, she will be so embarrassed that she'll probably throw anything at Itsuki that she can lay her hands on. After all, she was staying all alone with a guy and wearing only a T-shirt. It's only natural that she would think she has been molested and proceed to beat the crap out of Itsuki, right? Please do let the story go in this direction.

Despite all these expectations, it's time for another commercial. We now present you with these messages from Yamatsuchi Model Store, again announced by our female protagonists.

After the commercial, the story now takes us to a brand new setting, with all the battles from before all completely forgotten. Suddenly we're now in a romantic comedy, I seriously don't know what the director is thinking anymore.

According to the script, Mikuru has settled down in Itsuki's place, and the story's now basically a fluff story about a young couple living together. The romance is so cheesy that one feels like playing dead just to get through the embarrassment of having to watch this.

Scenes include Itsuki trying to swallow some terrible cooking by an excited Mikuru; Mikuru sending Itsuki off to school at the door, accidentally touching Itsuki's finger, and jumping in shock in an exaggerated way; Mikuru blushing furiously; and Mikuru working hard on the chores and merrily greeting Itsuki as he returns from school.

I felt like screaming, Give me a break already! However, screams like these are likely to fall on deaf ears, so naturally I suppressed the impulse. Itsuki and Mikuru continue singing songs of praise for pure romance. Koizumi, mind if I swap places with you?

By the way, Koizumi Itsuki is currently living with his sister - in order to accommodate the sudden changes to the script, this ten year old fifth grader was brought in...... Sorry, she just had her birthday last month, so she's now eleven. She's now seen running around and tagging along with Itsuki and Mikuru. Now this is yet another enigmatic scene, just what was the meaning in introducing Itsuki's sister anyway?

Amidst all this romance, the battle between Mikuru and Yuki over Itsuki has now been moved into Itsuki's school.

Now who would've thought that Yuki would have transferred into Itsuki's school? I have no idea how on Earth the director came up with such filler material. As far as the plot goes, Yuki has abandoned her black cloak having decided that it would be a better strategy for her to befriend Itsuki in order to get closer to him, while marginalizing Mikuru at the same time. She began her mental assault on Itsuki by placing love letters inside his shoe locker. She then followed that up by bringing two sets of boxed lunches, looking for Itsuki during lunch time, waiting for Itsuki by the school gate after school, and secretly keeping photos of Itsuki in her wallet. I think that's more of an inspiration than a strategy.

Needless to say, Mikuru also went on the defensive against Yuki's maneuvers. She promptly transferred into Itsuki's school as well. Wouldn't it be better if they both transferred at the beginning of the story instead? Since Mikuru is here to protect Itsuki, it wouldn't be odd for both of them to be in the same school. In fact, it would sound absolutely normal.

Unbelievably, and without any explanation at all, Mikuru and Yuki did not fight each other with their mysterious beams and flashing wands. Seems like both of them have now switched their objective into seeing "who can capture Itsuki's heart first."

The story was already quite confusing to begin with, and now it has developed into a two girl romantic harem story.

It was pretty obvious that Yuki would be at a disadvantage. Since Mikuru and Itsuki are now living together, they have all the right conditions to becoming a couple. For Yuki, who no one knows where she's staying, this is a difficult wall to climb, just like how the Great Wall of China has deterred the northern nomadic tribes from invading.

In order to turn things around, the script has Yuki resort to extreme methods.


"Waa! What are you doing?"

Disregarding the situation, Yuki embraced Itsuki tightly. Looks like the director wanted to shake Itsuki up by giving him some sudden physical contact with girls. Yet the executor of this plan, Yuki, was way too expressionless. It's really hard to read any emotional upheavals from this. Instead, this scene looked rather absurd.

This is because her movements and expression were not congruent at all.

On the other hand, Mikuru ought to look jealous upon finding the two of them embracing each other. Meanwhile Itsuki doesn't even seem slightly concerned with all of this commotion. There's just no emotion at all in their acting.

Then again, one shouldn't really be concerned with what Itsuki does anyway.

In fact, looking at the clock, it's about time for all the actors to gather around to wrap things up for the ludicrous finale.

Maybe they've begun to grow tired of this lighthearted high school romantic subplot, in which they've come to an unspoken truce. Mikuru and Yuki would occasionally don their usual costumes and return to their posts as a battle waitress and alien magician, where they would go into random skirmishes.

The story becomes more and more confusing with the development of the following scenes:

Mikuru and Yuki + Yuki's magic apprentice cat Shamisen fighting in the back alley;

Mikuru and Yuki + Shamisen fighting in the bamboo garden at the back of the school;

Mikuru and Yuki slugging it outside someone's residence, with Shamisen looking very bored;

Mikuru and Yuki running round and round in Itsuki's house, while the little sister laughs in amusement and carries Shamisen in her arms.

After all these irrelevant scenes, the viewer would be utterly exasperated to find that the romantic triangle subplot has reappeared for no reason once again.

So far, Itsuki has remained indecisive over Mikuru and Yuki. Looking at his experience, it's only natural for the audience to curse his good luck, and it's pretty obvious that the audience would be completely composed of males. Sadly, the god in charge of the script, who also happens to be the Ultra Director, has kicked all those noises out of the window and was determined to continue stubbornly.

That is why the development of the plot has so far been like a gorilla participating in a cycling race without knowing how to brake. She would crash every time she turns, and then she would barge her way forward as though nothing had ever happened.

Yet, no matter how many brilliant ideas our Ultra Director had, no matter how inconsiderate she was, she eventually realized that if this "shoot as we go along" approach were to continue without an ending, the story would just go on and on, though it wasn't till very late that she had noticed.

How late was it? To the point of nearly getting burnt on the arse if no ending were made, of course.

Anyway, there won't be any closure if the story is allowed to run astray like this. So all the broken scenes of each character doing god-knows-what have been forcefully joined together and were rushed along as we approach the end.

Finally, we decided to have Yuki remember the reason she came here in the first place and have her declare a final battle with Mikuru.

One morning, Mikuru found a letter inside her shoe locker. Inside was a small note, with words written as though they were printed from a printer that read, "Let's put an end to this."

You know, if Yuki really wanted to annihilate Mikuru, she didn't have to go through the trouble of notifying her beforehand. She could have done so in all the previous battles. Come to think of it, Yuki would sometimes be an expressionless high school student who would stand aside and do nothing, and other times she would be an enigmatic alien who would do battle with Mikuru. Just what does she want to be?

Mikuru's thoughts were just as enigmatic. After reading the note, Mikuru looked determined as though she were preparing to do something while clutching the note. She looked far off into the distance and nodded her head vigorously. Just what on earth has she realized? I've probably said this many times already, but I just can't understand at all. The only person who could understand would be the one who has never even shown herself in front of the camera.

As a cameraman, I may not be able to understand, but I do know that, thankfully, everything in this world that has a beginning must have an end, providing salvation for one stuck in a seemingly never-ending infernal hell.

And finally, we have come to the climax of the story.

Making her cameo once again, "Tsuruya-san" now came forward and asked Mikuru, who was looking troubled,

"What's wrong, Mikuru? You look as though you got molested by an old geezer. Or did your doctor say you've got athlete's foot?"

Standing by the corner of the classroom, Mikuru replied,

"The time has finally arrived. I must go and fight my final battle."

"Sounds great, Mikuru. We're counting on you! The fate of the Earth rests upon your shoulders!"

After muttering her lines, Tsuruya-san twitched her face, and finally laughed out loud, not being able to hold on any longer.

"......I'll do my best,"

Mikuru said softly at a volume that could barely be picked up by the microphone.

It's probably futile trying to question the deep flaws of this story. Just how did Mikuru and Tsuruya-san know each other? When Tsuruya-san first appeared as a mind-controlled zombie in the pond scene, it seems that they already knew each other then. If that's the case, then Yuki's mind control attacks ought to take place afterwards. This would make that battle scene more intense as the audience would realize that Mikuru and Tsuruya-san are supposed to be friends. I dare say that this mix up in the order of scenarios is all due to the director's negligence.

Of course, the annoying deus ex machina was adamant that she knew what she was doing, and ignored all these accusations, while pouring all her passion into shooting whatever came into her mind. As a result, she has slaved ordinary people like me to exhaustion already.

It was decided that the final battle would take place at the roof of the school.

Yuki waited on the roof during lunch time, dressed in her black magician cloak with Shamisen clinging to her shoulder.

A few seconds later, the door to the roof opened and Mikuru, in her battle waitress costume, now entered.

"D, did you wait long?"

"Very long."

Yuki answered frankly. In fact, Mikuru had gone to the bathroom to change into her costume, which was why she took so long. As cameraman, I too have waited for quite some time.


The ever frank Yuki now recited the long-prepared dialogue,

"This time, we will put an end to all of this. We do not have much time. This must end in the next few minutes at the latest."

"I feel the same way too...... But! Itsuki-kun will definitely choose me! Um...... This may sound embarrassing, but that's what I firmly believe!"

"Unfortunately, I do not intend to respect his wishes. I need his powers, that is why I must have him. Even if it means conquering the whole Earth."

Well you could always conquer the planet first then kidnap Itsuki along the way. Because by then no one would be able to resist you, and Mikuru will be isolated as most people would have followed the majority and would gladly hand Itsuki over to you. Even a cute battle waitress would have a hard time trying to overturn this overwhelming majority.

If you even have the ability to conquer the Earth, what's so difficult about capturing Itsuki?

"You won't have your way! That's the reason I arrived from the future!"

Ah, yes, of course. I nearly forgot, Mikuru is a battle waitress from the future. But the movie's almost finished now, I simply don't know why the screenwriter wanted to include this time traveling plot device when it's hardly ever used.

The laser battles between Yuki and Mikuru now commence once again.

Mikuru went "Hiyaaa!" and "Take this!" while shooting lasers, beams, missiles and mini black holes from her eye. On the other hand, Yuki simply remained silent and waved her wand.

We must create an atmosphere which can't be done with computer effects alone! Under this command, firecrackers were used extravagantly on the roof. Even though these were all abandoned firecrackers obtained from the toy store storage, they would still make loud noises when ignited. As a result, a few teachers came rushing up from downstairs and gave us a good scolding.

Getting scolded by the teachers is inevitable when you play with fireworks in school.

Should my disciplinary record be given negative points as a result, please have them transferred over to the director, thank you. Even if she were to pool all the negative records of Asahina-san, Nagato and Koizumi, she would still be able to get herself off the hook thanks to her excellent academic record. If that girl could sit down quietly, no one would find any fault in her.

Ignoring the cameraman's narrative, the battle rages on.

This is all credit to our director who, undaunted by the teachers' demands to leave the school roof at once, even warned them that if they were to stop us from shooting this important scene, she would threaten to sue the school for attempting to stifle the students' freedom of expression.

Now that would be pretty scary if that were to happen.

I don't care. Just don't play with fire! - The teachers hesitantly left the roof with this parting shot. The roof was now packed with curious onlookers who were increasing in numbers, causing Mikuru to become even more embarrassed.

Mikuru went "Hiyaaa!" and "Take this!" while shooting lasers, beams, missiles and mini black holes from her eye. On the other hand, Yuki simply remained silent and waved her wand.
Mikuru went "Hiyaaa!" and "Take this!" while shooting lasers, beams, missiles and mini black holes from her eye. On the other hand, Yuki simply remained silent and waved her wand.

Under intense pressure, Mikuru was now in a desperate situation. All her attacks on Yuki had been futile, and with Yuki slowly moving closer, Mikuru could only back up and was now forced to the fence by the edge of the roof.

"Now die in peace! I will select a nice tombstone for you. Try to perform many good deeds in the afterlife so that you can enjoy your karma when you reincarnate."

Yuki waved her wand as she bid her farewell to Mikuru,


In an instant, the wand known as the "Star Ring something" gave an unusual glow, and the inexpensive flashlight flickered a few times.


Mikuru held her head and wrapped herself into a bundle.

Though it's hard to comprehend what kind of attack that was, we just know that it's a very powerful one. Watching the screen alone, one can see many lasers being fired from the wand, it must be some terrifying magical spell capable of disintegrating Mikuru to the molecular level.

You have to hang in there. If we don't arrange for a climax here, there won't be another chance.

"Waaa! Aaa~~!"

Yet all Mikuru could do was scream in agony.

Normally, one would be feeling annoyed already by the uselessness of the female protagonist, but since she is just too cute, one is ready to tolerate that.

However, even if someone were willing to tolerate her, at this rate, Mikuru would be defeated. Under the mainstream concept of good triumphing over evil, the ending of this movie would provide a thinly-veiled satire on how those in power would always win in reality.


Obviously the movie was not going to end like that. Standing in the side of justice, our last-minute hero is not going to just disappear like that when the story is approaching its end. An invisible hand would always arrive coincidentally, which is just plain impossible in real life, to repel evil and rescue the damsel in distress. Yet that was the scenario thought up by our director.

The person who came in to rescue Mikuru was of course Koizumi Itsuki. I mean, who else can it be? Without any subplots, there was simply no room to introduce new characters anyway.

In the nick of time, Itsuki grabbed Mikuru and successfully dodged Yuki's attack. Yuki's magic beams seem to be coordinating with the stunt as they were slowed down as well.

"Are you all right, Asahina-san?"

After saying that, Itsuki turned to face Yuki and stretched his arm towards her,

"I can't allow you to hurt her. Yuki-san, please show some mercy."

Seeing Itsuki standing with his legs wide open in front of a worn-out Mikuru, determined to protect the pretty girl at any cost, Yuki showed signs of contemplation as she looked at the cat on her shoulder. She's probably thinking if she can't get Itsuki on her side, should she kill him along with Mikuru as well?

Yet, it was an unexpected character who answered that question for her,

"What's there to think about? All you need to do is steal that young man's conscience. I hear that you have the ability to mind control other people. So just mind control him and then lure him to somewhere safe. Then you can easily eliminate this girl who dares stand against you."

The one speaking was Shamisen, so you could guess how horrified I was. I specifically told him many times not to talk, and he just wouldn't shut up. He can forget about his meal tonight.


The ever composed Yuki lightly tapped her star-shaped wand on Shamisen's head, and the cat quickly shut his mouth.

Yuki then spoke as though talking to herself,

"That was ventriloquism."

After announcing that as a matter-of-fact, she raised her Star-whatever god-damned wand and said,

"Then bring it on, Koizumi Itsuki. I will make you into my puppet."

After some cheap sound effects, a flash of lightning emitted from the star-shaped tip of the wand.

Needless for me to say, one can pretty much guess how things are going to develop, so I'll just make a brief description of what follows.

To make things simple, Itsuki's hidden power has now been released to its maximum potential. Not even aware of it himself, Itsuki, being forced into a hopeless situation, now finds his secret power being awakened and has become a full-fledged esper. This esper power is so great that it can't be controlled, not even by Itsuki himself. Using this mysterious power, which is probably caused by emotional turmoil, he managed to reflect all of Yuki's offensive and attacked the black-cloaked alien with all his might.

"......How unfortunate."


Leaving these two lines, the enigmatic partners Yuki and Shamisen were blasted off into the far end of the universe, making an unimpressive yell of defeat.

After sending off Yuki and Shamisen, Itsuki turned around and said softly to the female lead,

"It's all over now, Asahina-san,"

Mikuru lifted her terrified little face and looked at Itsuki with what seemed like glowing eyes.

Itsuki stretched his arm to pull Mikuru up to her feet, then placed his hands on the balcony rail as he looked up to the skies. Following his gaze, Mikuru also looked upwards; the camera also did the same and turned towards the clear blue skies.

It's obvious this pan-up technique was used because no one knew how to connect the scenes properly.

Under the cherry-blossom filled streets on a cool autumn day, Mikuru and Itsuki walked side by side with each other. How infuriating to see that the waitress costume actually matches well with the school's uniform.

Coincidentally, a strong gust of wind came wooshing in, blowing the scattered cherry blossom petals into little spirals. For the whole movie, only this scene was genuinely natural.

Carrying a smile, Itsuki took down the petals which had fallen onto Mikuru's silky hair. Looking embarrassed, Mikuru's cheeks now reddened, and she slowly closed her eyes.

The camera focus then suddenly moved away from the two of them and into the blue autumn skies above. Why are we doing a pan-up again?

The ending theme, which was randomly nicked from somewhere, now begins to play as the credits roll.

Last but not least, a post-filming narrative was added in the end. And so this SOS Brigade presentation, the story of "Asahina Mikuru's Adventure Episode 00," now ends in a very confusing manner.

It was rare to have a movie that was messy from beginning to end. If this sort of mix-and-match thingy can be called a movie, then it would be too disrespectful to those who actually give their all to seriously produce movies. Yet for some reason, this horrid movie was actually quite popular. At first, this movie was supposed to be screened together with the other movies made by the Film Club, but in the end our movie had shoved aside all their productions and occupied the screening room's projector. I hear this was to give in to the growing audience demand for the movie, but this was mainly due to someone making a lot of noise in lobbying for it. Of course the fact that Asahina-san had a lot of admirers also helped.

I later heard that the poor guys at the Film Club were forced to screen their movies in broken segments whenever they had the opportunity.

As no fee was charged, we naturally did not make any money. Yet the movie's success prompted the producer-director to begin drafting plans for a sequel. She even made an edited version titled "Asahina Mikuru's Adventure Director's Cut," which was burnt into DVD to be sold in the market. Both a teary-eyed Asahina-san and I are now in the process of convincing her to let go of that idea.

Though no matter what she decides to do, we'll always end up in a mess. Forget it, it's going to be some time before it becomes a mess, if the SOS Brigade still exists by then.

......It'll still exist, right?

I guess I have to ask a time traveler that question then. I just hope the information's not classified - I quietly tell myself.

(Asahina Mikuru's Adventure Episode 00 End)

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